I’ve debated if I should or shouldn’t post an update on why I have taken a break from my design work and posts for several weeks. I have struggled with if I should have such a personal post on my business page that is meant for my design and planning projects, but I have decided that the tragedy that happened to my family last month has changed us all and I can’t sit back and act like nothing happened – it will shape me and my projects so I think the accident deserves to be discussed on my page.
My sweet nephew, Jackson, a whole eleven days younger than my daughter is now at home in heaven after a terrible drowning accident at 4:30PM on Saturday, February 24th. He didn’t go home to be with Jesus immediately, he fought an amazing fight for 10 whole days which ended on Tuesday, March 6th at 9:02PM. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face when that phone call came in on that perfect Saturday afternoon – I have told most of my close friends how I felt that Saturday seemed too perfect to be true – and I was right. I will never forget how hard I cried in the halls of Children’s Hospital praying for a miracle. I will never forget coming home from the hospital to my healthy toddler who looks so much like him and feeling guilty holding her because I wanted so badly for my brother in law to have the same feeling again. I will never forget that special moment I had in the lobby of the ICU with my father in law where I poured every single tear in my body on his shoulder while I screamed with frustration, anger, and just being so heartbroken that this baby had to leave this Earth.
When I told my husband on our wedding day that I would support him and we would go through life together no matter what that meant – even during the hardest of times – never did I ever imagine that would mean standing hand in hand in a hospital as we watched our 2 year old nephew in his final moments on this Earth. Watching him as he took his last breath and rubbing his leg as he was entering his new home with Jesus was gut wrenching. I don’t think you could ever be the same person after the death of child – and one that reminds you so much of your own makes it that much harder.
I have cried. So much to the point where I physically don’t think there are any tears left in my body. I feel so weak, so emotionally beat up. The funny thing about all of this is that my mother in law called Brad and I her “rock” during this time. I thought to myself – how on Earth when I feel my weakest am I her rock? Brad and I have struggled HARD through this. I think we have cried more together in the last month than we have in our 13 years together. Somehow we found the strength to get up every single day and pull together as a unit and walk through this storm hand in hand. I think it was our strength combined that helped us be the rock for our family.
I trust in God. He has a plan. I don’t know it now, and I don’t understand it at all in this moment. I will NOT focus on that aspect right now – I focus on the Glory of the Lord and that he will help us through this and he will reveal the reason to us one day.
I will praise the God who gives and who takes away.
On every red wagon ride around the neighborhood, I will think of Jackson. I will think of Jackson while we have our annual pizza party on Halloween after trick or treating. I will never see a mall Easter Bunny and not think of that first Easter picture of the kiddos. I held Olivia’s stuffed fish a little tighter and a little longer today just so I could think of that picture of them napping at Nana’s and how Olivia had let Jackson sleep with her fish. The spot in my kitchen where I got the news that Saturday and where I fell to the floor is the exact spot on Halloween last year that Olivia and Jackson kept running to hug each other and kept knocking each other down and laughing. I still hear his giggle every time I look at that spot in my kitchen.
There were so many wonderful memories in his short two years on this Earth and I will never, ever let Olivia forget him. I will help her remember.